


Need To Know

by 5BlackRoses



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Hurt Derek, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Penelope is a good friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 11:11:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15750504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5BlackRoses/pseuds/5BlackRoses
Summary: “I only want to know what you want me to know about whatever this thing is that they found out. Nothing more.”“You have no idea how much that means to me.”What could have happened after 02x12





	Need To Know

**Author's Note:**

> I am rewatching Criminal Minds and after watching Season 2, I was bothered by the fact that we never see Penelope reacting to/learning about Derek's past abuse. And that's how this fic came to be.

Derek was not expecting to be met at the airport upon his return home, but when he arrived, a colorfully-dressed technical analyst was waiting for him by baggage claim. The agent had extended his usual trip to Chicago because being arrested for a murder he didn't commit had really thrown a wrench into family time. It really wasn't surprising that his bubbly blonde friend had found out about the flight change, but he wasn't expecting her to meet him at the airport that evening.

“Babygirl? Is that you?”

“Who else would it be, Sugar?” Penelope smiled, “I didn't know you worried about doppelgangers and the like.”

“Huh?” Derek tilted his head in confusion.

“Never mind that handsome, how was the flight?”

“No complaints... but what are you doing here?”

“I always pick you up when you're coming back from Chicago. Did you think I'd forget just because you changed your flight?”

“Of course not,” the agent set down his bag so he could hug his friend, “nothing can stop Penelope Garcia when she's got her mind made up.”

“Damn right.”

The two continued their casual flirting as they made their way to Penelope's car, Derek's arm wrapped tightly around her shoulder the whole time. The analyst drove, and soon they arrived at his apartment. “What am I missing, babydoll?” Derek asked, confused to find the blonde making her way into the building.

“It's only 7:20, that leaves plenty of time for drinks, hot stuff,” Penelope replied, pausing at the elevator, “I haven't seen you in more than a week and you know how I get; withdrawal is not a good look on me.”

“Anything is a good look on you, mama,” the agent chuckled, “anything and everything.”

“You sure know how to charm a girl.”

They descended into comfortable silence as they moved down the hall and entered the apartment. Penelope headed for the kitchen while Derek brought his bag to the bedroom. After a quick shower and a change of clothes, he came out to find the blonde lounging on the couch with snacks and alcohol set out on the coffee table. “Made yourself at home, did you?”

“You know I did,” the analyst beckoned, patting the spot beside her, “how about you join me?”

The agent smiled as he came to sit with her on the couch, but it didn't reach his eyes. After a full minute of silence, he spoke, refusing to look at Penelope when he did. “I imagine you've got questions,” he guessed bitterly, “ask away.”

“I know you don't mean that, hun,” the blonde sighed, “I get if you don't want to talk about it. We can just drink and watch the nature channel or something.”

“Come on babygirl, I know you, so I know there's something you want to ask. Talk to me.”

“Is it about trust?”

“Is what about trust?”

“Until a week ago, I didn't know anything about your childhood,” she explained, “do you just not trust me to keep a secret?”

“That's not it, I know you can keep secrets and I know you would for me,” Derek frowned, “it's about privacy. I trust you with my life, Penelope, you know that.”

“I didn't want to pry, I promise. I hate digging up info on people I know and I try to avoid it whenever possible,” Penelope looked at her hands where they were nervously fidgeting in your lap, “JJ said it was to help you... I...”

“You were doing your job, sweetheart, I know that.”

“I didn't want to look, you know? Sealed records are sealed for a reason. And you were just a kid who made some mistakes. We all messed up when we were younger. It felt so wrong to tell them anything at all. I wasn't even supposed to know, but now I do and...”

“Baby, slow down,” the agent grabbed her hands and squeezed gently, looking up to meet her eyes, “I'm not angry with you. Just tell me what you told them.”

“You graduated with honors from Northwestern Law,” Penelope began, reciting what she'd learned, still unable to slow down, “full ride athletic scholarship, you were the star quarterback... They told me to go further back and I found a Chicago Register article about you finding dead kid's body and the sealed juvie record.”

“Anything else?” Derek asked patiently.

“Not really,” the analyst shrugged, “just that your record was expunged based on letter and testimony of Carl Buford, an upstanding member of the community.”

“That's all?”

“Is there something I'm missing? I know that Reid and Prentiss talked to your mom about Mr. Buford... said that he was like a father figure, took you on trips and stuff. Gideon and Hotch seemed to figure something out about that, but I don't know what. I'm not a profiler.”

“A fact for which I am grateful every day,” the agent nodded, releasing her hands and turning his body slightly away, “but you deserve to know as much as they do I guess.”

“I only want to know what you want me to know about whatever this thing is that they found out. Nothing more.”

“You have no idea how much that means to me.”

 

The friends sat in silence for several minutes, Derek staring off into the middle distance while Penelope began to fret. She was about to speak up when he cleared his throat. “I confronted him,” the agent began softly, “I went to talk to James first, tell him what I wish someone had told me, but then I went to Buford's office. Do you know what he said to me?”

Penelope stayed quiet, knowing that she wasn't meant to answer. “He told me 'I never hurt you. You could've said no,' and he's right, I could've said no...”

“Umm,” the analyst was very confused and had no idea how to respond.

“It wasn't my fault at the time, I suppose, but all those other kids he _helped_... James... that's on me. I should've told someone back when he was _helping_ me. I shouldn't have kept my mouth shut... but I did. So what he did to every kid after me, that's my fault.”

“No,” Penelope protested, beginning to understand the situation, “you were just a kid...”

“Still...”

“No,” the analyst repeated, gently repositioning her friend so his head rested against her shoulder, “you were afraid and had every reason to be... Who would you have told anyway? I can't see you telling your family...”

“Never,” though the light was dim, it was clear Derek had begun to cry, “Ma, Des, Sarah... they can't ever find out... Oh my god, they know now, don't they?”

“Maybe, maybe not,” Penelope pulled him closer, “if you want to tell them now, that's up to you.”

“I tried so hard to forget,” the agent allowed his head to fall so it was resting more on his friend's chest than shoulder, “but even fifteen years later... sometimes I just feel so disgusting, so ashamed...”

“You're not disgusting and you have no reason to feel ashamed, but I doubt that matters coming from me. I don't know how to help you, love,” Penelope kneaded his shoulder, ignoring the wet patch forming on her shirt, “anything you need, I'll do it, just say the word.”

“What did I ever do to deserve someone like you watching my back?” Derek mumbled tearfully, “I'm so thankful for you... you know that right?”

“I know baby boy,” she smiled sadly, “I'll always be here for you, no matter what.”

 

Penelope waited until she was sure he was asleep before she allowed herself to cry.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think.


End file.
